Sunday, November 13, 2011

Ram’s Chronicles

Gawd, what a rough 14 years it’s been in the damn forest!  No maids, no cooks, no servants, no conveniences of any kind… Shit, I feel worse than Robinson Crusoe!  Actually, this whole thing’s Dad’s fault… he’s too much of a pussy to stand up to my step-mom so he just promises her anything and everything she asks for.  And my stepmom, what a selfish, gold-digging bitch she is!  She’s even willing to risk Dad dying to make sure Barath gets to be king.  I should’ve told that bitch off, but no-o-o-o-o, I just had to be a goody two-shoes like my old man.  Like father, like son I guess.  But in a way, I almost didn’t mind going – it’s almost worth it to not have to put up with K’s constant bitching!

Luckily I was royalty so I had lots of connections so it wasn’t all bad at first.  And Laks was there to help out, which is cool & all….. but damn, he’s always there!  I mean, come on dude, I’m a newly married guy….I need alone-time with my woman!  Now don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry for the guy & all….. his woman ditched him while mine’s still with me, but sometimes it gets to be too much!  I tried to drop him hints subtly but that hotheaded dumbass only gets all mad about it.  That kid’s got some major anger issues.

And speaking of Sita… boy what a complainer she is!  It’s not like I forced her to come, she came on her own, so she really has no right to complain.  I try to play a good husband and be nice and pretend to like her crappy cooking & all.  Heck, I even ran after a golden deer like an idiot to score points with her…. only to realize later it was a decoy set up by that jealous bastard Ravan. He was always jealous that I got the girl, but man, this is low, even for that freak! Ohhh, he’s gonna have some major hell to pay!

So I decide to launch a secret attack of my own.  I figured Ravan would be expecting a frontal attack from me so I planned a stealthy approach to sneak off with Sita.  The sneak attack thing worked beautifully on Sugriv’s big bully brother, so why not, right?!?!  I had it so well planned too, but that Sita… that bitch… she ruined the whole friggin' thing!  She’s like “If you’re a real man, come and get me yourself!”.  Gawd, she couldn’t have picked a worse time to throw a tantrum!!  She’s obviously still holding a grudge for all those years in the forest.  This just goes to show that you can never trust women!  She’s really too much sometimes… I should exile her to the forest myself, just to get even.

Why did I ever get married at such a young age?!?!  I should’ve played the field a lot more.  I could’ve scored with so many more chicks.  Heck, if my potbellied old man could do it, I could certainly do it with my bod, right?!?!  But no-o-o-o-o-o, I just had to be Mister goody two-shoes! And why the hell did I do this whole Ekapatni Vrata thing?!?!  I must’ve been smoking some major weed!

This whole damn avatar blows chunks.  I’m tired of being a goody-goody, next time I’m gonna come back as a womanizing cowherd and just attack anything and everything with breasts!


  1. Hey Krishna...Ram will get a heart attack if he reads this :p

  2. @Purba.... haha, well said. glad you like the post!

  3. Hahahaha...this is funny! I like it...maybe add even more scandal somewhere.

    We making a small Ramayan screenplay in its even better to see people writing differently on the subject :)

  4. @Siddhatha... hahaha.... thanks man. Good point too, I could've probably added an affair between Lakshman and Shurpanga and say that he didn't want that shit leaking out & thats why he cut off her nose!

  5. I was shocked to read this initially...but in the end had a good laugh.

  6. @Ramakrishnan... good, glad to hear it!

  7. I had a good laugh in the morning itself. Nice way to start the day.

    How do you get ideas? :)

    Nisha - Le Monde-A Poetic Travail

  8. @Nisha... Thank you. glad you got a good laugh! :-)

    I've always felt that Lord Ram was a little TOO goody-goody for his own good, so I wanted to write a blog about him regretting being that way.

  9. @Neelam... Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! :-)

  10. LOL!!!

    Loved every bit of it... Great to find this post

    Enjoyed so much

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